I wear zipperless pants, leggings as they are more commonly known as. I’m a fitness instructor and avid runner. Of course I wear them. Lululemon, Under Armour, Oiselle and Nike have all been on my hips, thighs and ass while I am teaching, coaching , running or working out. Other than that, though? Nope, nope and noperdoodles. Until…….my rectosigmoid cancer surgery. One of the aftereffects of my hospital stay was monumental and epic bloating. The term the nurse used was edema. Apparently when you have a saline drip it dilutes the blood, and as a result, excess fluid is moved to to the interstitial space of the body (i.e. the tissues of the extremities, and abdomen). This results in swelling, bloating, and edema. Yep, yep and yepperdoodles.
Once I was home I could not get a single pair of my pants on. Some of my skinny jeans could not even go over my calves. I did get on one pair of jeans but by “get on” I mean it would have been fine if I was one of those punks that goes around with their pants hanging off their asses. I would have totally blended.
I did the only thing I could. I wore my husband’s extra large flannel pajama bottoms for the first three or four days I was home. NO zipper. You can read about that here. After a few days, I tried on all my pants again. There was still not one pair that I could wear comfortably. As my surgeon had recommended daily walking outside….in public…..as part of my recovery, I had three choices, as I saw it. I could wear the pajama bottoms. Not the worst choice. It was pretty cold out and flannel was warming. Couldn’t do it though. With apologies to all the lazy bastards out there who actually wear pajamas in public, I just couldn’t do it. Not even for comfort sake.
My second choice was going semi commando. I’m not a total barbarian, I could have worn my granny underwear in size extra humongous, but I would be pant-less. Not an option given the time of year and the fact that my legs had not been waxed in forever. My third option was my extensive collection of yoga, Pilates, running and gym pants. You know….not REAL pants.
Yes, I AM one of THOSE judgmental people that think gym clothes are…get ready for this as it’s mind blowing…for the gym. Repeat that same sentence three more times but insert yoga, Pilates and running for the word “gym”, and insert yoga class, Pilates class and running for the two words “the gym”. Oh? You think I’m a nightmarish shrew for writing that? I give no bothers.
So, I dove into my running pant collection as many of them have highs waists and would not dig into to any of the still healing and very tender wounds in my pelvic region. As well, my running pants are primarily for winter running so pretty much all of them are nice and warm. Ahhhhhhh…..they were perfect! In fact, I liked the way the spandex held my newly jiggling poochie right above the lowest incision. I liked it so much that for the next three weeks my workout pant collection became my mainstay wardrobe. Yes, three weeks. That was about two weeks longer than necessary.
I became THAT woman that wore her athletic clothing even when I wasn’t working out. I started trying to figure out actual outfits. Designing looks that would take me from the streets of Bronte, to the malls of Burlington, to the restaurants of Oakville…….like I was freaking Karl Lagerfeld. I even bought a pair of non-athletic zipperless pants at a store in Buffalo with a Victoria Beckham like edge to them.
Forgive me, I was temporarily insane. I was sucked into the world of comfort and laziness. I did learn something from my three week foray into my pant insanity, though. It really IS more comfortable. I’ll give you that. It was SO easy to be seduced into this way of dressing. I completely get why some women do it, but just because I understand something, does not mean I need to condone it.
I gave up on them as a way to dress day to day because I missed my zippers. I missed feeling put together and fashionable. I missed feeling like a grownup. I missed wearing tops that grazed my waist or hip bone. I missed tucking my shirt into my pants. I was tired of making sure my butt was covered at all times. I know that there are plenty of women out there who think it is perfectly alright to not have their ass covered while wearing zipper-less pants, elasticized waist leggings or pull on pants (whatever you want to call them). Good for you. Your opinion matters too, just not to me.
Listen, if I’m running ten miles in my zipper-challenged pants…..which ARE NOT PANTS because I run in them, then I have no qualms in not covering my assets. However, during that three week pant vacation I was on, if I was out at a bank, or in the supermarket or at a party, you bet your ass I had mine covered with a mid thigh sweater or top. Guaranteed! Now, have I given up on wearing leggings forever? Of course not. I still have that Beckhamish pair and I will wear them appropriately on occasion. I’ve just stopped using my athletic wear as my day to day clothing choice.
Now before I receive a bunch of hate mail telling me that I am a disapproving, hate filled, critical, condemnatory person I want to point out that I’m not hate-filled. Okay… GO.
Seriously, I really don’t care what YOU do as far as your fashion goes, but I am allowed my opinion. I know it is the fashion nowadays to ban all “shaming” thoughts and speech, but I’m just not there yet. If YOU want to use leggings as pants, have at it. If you want to wear your Crossfit and Barre pants to dinner, more power to you. If you’re wearing actual leggings appropriately, and you’re my friend, I might even compliment you on your style. If you’re not wearing them correctly, I’ll just keep my mouth shut unless asked for my opinion or if you’re a family member. To do anything else would be just plain rude. Secretly though I’ll be wishing I could hand you this on a laminated card…..
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