When I go for a run my intention is for it to be great, to have some alone time, to push myself, and, lastly, try to problem solve (yes, that’s a thing that happens to dedicated runners)! I do take my profession with me, though, and there have been times when I have passed other runners and had a compulsion come over me. If I see someone doing something wrong, just like in a class or a training session, I want to stop and correct them. Obviously, I have never done that. Wait. What? Do I hear some people who know me yelling: “I call bullcrap”? Yes, yes, I can completely see why you might not believe me, but it IS true.

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That’s shocking, if it’s true!!!

Even when passing, recently, a woman with weights strapped to her ankles and a gait that reminded me of child playing with its Skip- It, I did nothing. I ‘SWEATERGAAAAAWD’ I didn’t! However, I WILL admit I side-eyed the woman with the ferocity of a person racing for the bathroom with an overactive bladder AND wearing button fly jeans.

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Since it seems likely I will never, ever fulfill my fantasy of stopping and then educating runners doing stupid fitness tricks, here are the offenders I have seen, yet just allowed to go on their merry frickin’ way…….because, really, it’s none of my business…….

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It’s not my concern, even if it IS concerning!

The aforementioned person that feels it necessary to load themselves down with ankle and wrist weights. I call them Weight Wankers. There are plenty of studies out there that prove using ankle and wrist weights, when you run, comes at a high cost. Simply put, adding weights can put too much load on your joints and possibly result in pain or injury. Our ankle and wrist joints can’t support this kind of overuse. Think about this sensibly: when walking or running, our bodies are in continuous repetitive motion. The added weight on joints far from the core of our body is going to further the risk for injury to the shoulders, elbows, hips and knees due to overuse and strain. Specifically, wearing weight on your ankles could cause you to alter your cadence, creating muscle tension or imbalances. Be smart and when you want to add intensity, simply add hills, stairs or speed to your walks and runs.

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If you are insisting on running with extra weight, then be intelligent about it, and use a weighted vest. A vest is attached to the core of your body and does not cause extra stress or tension on the joints. It doesn’t interfere with the running form and supports repetitive motion to avoid injury from overuse. The vest stays in place, so there’s no excess resistance on the joints in an effort to keep the weight stable. Just ensure the vest fits you properly so movement is non existent. There, you’re welcome!

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Jane, you ignorant runner.

The “Boobs-A-Plenty” or “Miss Boobs-A-Lot”. I have nothing against breasts, in fact I have two of my own that I’m quite fond of.

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I’m fond of my boobie ball!

I just don’t mistreat them on my runs the way so many other women do. This is such a simple fix, ladies. Secure thy breasts!!! I don’t want to hear about how impossible this is, or that it is not important. It’s not and it is! I’m a 30DD and I manage quite well in battening down the hatches, so to speak. I have observed that most women do wear a sports bra while running, but it’s not a total lack of support that’s the problem. The real issue is that women aren’t getting the right support. If you are running togiphy-bird_0wards me and I’m actually getting hypnotized by your knockers, you don’t have the right support. If you are running towards me and your bosoms attack me whilst we pass each other, then you don’t have the right support.  If you are running towards me and your mammary glands keep blocking your air pathways, then you don’t have the right support.
When running, you should not even be thinking about your breasts, but apparently there is a large segment who do because of pain. Researchers surveyed 1,285 female runners at the 2012 London Marathon. They found that 32 percent of women reported breast pain, but that number was strongly linked to the size of a woman’s bust. Pain was a problem for one in four women with A cups, but it was an issue for half of all women with a cup size of F or larger. So…..get out there and buy yourself a proper running bra, and once you’ve found a sports bra that seems to keep everything in place, make sure to test the support before you buy it. How? Run laps around the store. If that embarrasses you, then simply do a few jumps in the dressing room. As well, stretch your arms above your head and from side to side. Your band should stay where it is when you put your arms up. There, you’re welcome!

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Arms up!!!

The close relative to the prior offender is the Groin Ferret Dude. Lord, how I abhor this guy. Mainly because I never know if the chap is trying to be deliberately creepy or is just a clueless Ding Dong McDork.

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Before I suggest an awesome product that will hold your cojones comfortably in place, I actually have some invaluable running advice for when this basically harmless and clueless type of dude goes for a run, which I once posted on my personal Facebook page after encountering one of them on a running trail. First valuable suggestion? Don’t reach repeatedly into your front pocket to adjust yourself as a female runner approaches you. It’s kinda icky. As well, I know it can be cold at this time of year, but let’s face it, we are not dealing with wind chills of minus 25 degrees Celsius. There is no need for you to completely cover your face with a black balaclava AND then pull up your hoodie to give it an extra sinister serial killer look. It’s simply overkill (if you’ll pardon the pun). When you combine the compulsive reaching in your front pocket WITH the balaclava and tightly laced hoodie, then you are just asking for a What Not To Wear intervention. Now personally, I am not worried about myself. I have yet to meet a psychopathic serial killer that can run a kilometer in under 5 minutes. Those guys tend to be more concerned with sharpening their knives and picking up duct tape from Home Depot than doing some serious training. However, I am concerned about those women who just like to take a leisurely walk along a beautiful trail. Don’t unnecessarily spook them. Just pause for a moment the next time you reach into your closet for your running outfit and put a little thought into your total look!!

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How ’bout a drink after your run, boo?

Now, regardless of your innocent obliviousness towards your todger, your junk deserves full support and to that end I am recommending this. I absolutely adore the tagline: “Like Vibrams for your family jewels”. This product will solve a problem that few men dare to admit to publicly: the abrasion of the parts which make him a man. It’s designed with two layers on the front panel. The one closest to the skin, made from a wicking compression material, holds the family jewels comfortably in place. The second layer, via a strategically positioned hole, creates a separate compartment to hold and protect the rest of the apparatus. Both the briefs and boxers are made to be worn under running shorts and biking shorts. They feature a Personal Pocket at the back for carrying room keys, ID, credit cards, car keys or other personal items. There, you’re welcome!

Next up we have The Reeking Runner. Now this person is not causing any harm to themselves. It is everyone else who bloody suffers. Especially in the summer. Thankfully winters in Canada tend to snuff out any malodorous stench. There are two sub classes to The Reeking Runner. The first is usually a woman in my experience, but your mileage may vary.  I have no idea why ANYONE would think it a brilliant idea to load up on perfume just before heading out on a 5 miler, but I have run by quite a few and by sheer luck and divine intervention, managed not to vomit or inhale one of the bugs swarming around the miasma of the offending runner.

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Ermmmm….your perfume is…well, distinctive.

Of course, you have to wonder what is worse….the stench of perfume OR the unmistakable body odor funk of someone who has not showered in at least a week. This brings us to our second sub class, usually a man in my experience, but again, your mileage may vary. I experienced this first hand at a race and I was both overcome with nausea and blind rage. I would have yelled at him but the gagging sounds I was making made it impossible for me to give him a proper tongue lashing. The fix to this is simple….no perfume and shower every day at least once. There, you’re welcome.

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For gawds sake, man!! It’s shower time…and do some laundry while yer at it!

Finally we have THE WORST offender, and it’s not even a runner…though they can be when not riding their fecking BIKES!!! Yes! The bike rider! I call these insufferable imbeciles The Devils Minions. 

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Go forth and be detestable!!

Okay, so my cute pet name might be a smidgen over the top, but I have been clipped so many times by bikers without once having an apology being issued, that I have a deeply held loathing for them. I run one of two ways. By myself or with my trusty Irish Setter, Seamus O’Malley. It’s one thing to be knocked by a cyclist when I am on my own, but I get all sorts of ragey when my beloved dog is hit. If my eyes could actually shoot out deadly laser beams, then there would be a pile of  dead biker bodies on one side and a pile of bikes to be picked up for scrap parts on the other side. I sound like I lack human feelings and qualities, I know (and you wouldn’t be THAT far off, if we are being honest)…but take a look at my cutie pie Seamus and then tell me you wouldn’t want to slap one of those bikers who clipped him, into next week!

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Do you really want to hurt me?

I also notice that when those same bikers are not busy shaving the life span from peoples lives by scaring the poop out of them, they are extra busy ignoring traffic signs.z-funny-1621 Now before I get a bunch of indignant bikers writing to me that I am a bikeaphobic, I ride a bike as well!!! I love biking. It’s a great way to cross train and I decidedly enjoy it. Here’s the thing, though…I OBEY the rules of the road and, at the same time, give runners and walkers respect by warning them as I approach from behind. It’s the decent thing to do…you know, when you are a human being….with a soul. So…there’s your quick and easy solution for that……

I’d love to hear your own running stories. Do you, as a runner, ever see another runner doing something that you want to help them with? Do you have a particularly funny or scary running story to share? Do any of my fellow professional fitness instructors have an experience they’d like to share?  Let me know in the comment section OR email me privately.

In the meantime…………Okay, well, gotta go

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